COLIN BLUMENAU
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A Civil Society – an antique tale?

10/11/2012

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I support Sir Robert Peel’s constabulary. They do a vital and difficult job. Here, though, is a salutary tale of how that lengthy limb of the law failed not only to reach far enough but also of how it groped around, blindly, to try and effect its responsibilities and how it failed to do so.

The sad case of Mrs A – in recent days has moved your correspondent to write, not in the hope of putting anything right, such aspirations are stillborn, but to do little more than vent the spleen of one who is bemused by the insufficiency of those descendants of Sir Robert’s crusaders in carrying out their duty.

Mrs A – has, for many, many years suffered from a debility. I should know for she is my sister. Her condition has many names but is perhaps best referred to as an incapacity of the mind. It is a serious frailty, the consequences of which leave the sufferer exposed to all kinds of exploitation, cruelty, wrongdoing and malpractice. She has for some forty years been the victim of that part of Society’s underbelly we all know exists but would rather neither contemplate nor encounter.

In her life she has bidden farewell to three children, taken from her in their infancy, all on account of her dubious maternal ability. Moreover, she has been separated from more life-partners through addiction to alcohol, weakness of the heart, mental instability and sundry other conditions than is desirable or than has been good for her. Life has not been kind and her addiction to substances chemical as well as natural have left her yet more vulnerable.

I received word, 
a few days ago, that Mrs A - had been expelled from her own property by one of those previously referred to members of Society’s darker recesses. Unjust, unfair and unworthy. I undertook to try and right this wrong at the very least, though there is little I can do to mitigate the results of the debility itself. I attended, with Mrs A – the office of the local constabulary in a region of London, which I will not name, but which lies not so very far from where, according to some sources, Dick Turpin began his legendary, though fictional, journey to York and where his accomplice, Tom King, finally met his end.

Expulsion from home we were informed is a civil matter. The responsibility for laying siege to the castle was not one the upright organs of law enforcement were prepared to assume. Astonished by the laissez-faire attitude, I probed a bit more deeply. “Perhaps, the debility might make a difference?” A wry shake of the head ensued. “I’m sorry sir. It’s a domestic. Not one for us.” “Yet the wrongdoer is of an untrustworthy and sometimes violent disposition.” I ventured. “There are other agencies which are better placed, sir. Social Services perhaps. Your family solicitor. The citizens advice bureau.”

I am not a strident man. I do not shout, nor rail, outwardly at least, at injustice. I found my feet taking obstinate root and my voice assuming slightly more edge than is usually the case. I observed that a vulnerable person might become more vulnerable alone and without shelter on the streets of London at night. I may have leant heavily on the evidence of recent cases of a similar nature and their tragic outcomes. Whatever the provocation, the constable, no more than a civilian in blue regimentals I believe, relented and agreed that constables should attend the property and an arrangement was made for a rendez-vous. Mrs A – and I were instructed to await their arrival and together we would essay re-domesticisation.

We attended as instructed. An hour passed. A further hour. And one hour more. Every hour we were told that someone would shortly be with us. After the fourth hour the word came that the incident had been downgraded. Phoebus’s last rays were dropping behind the horizon and Diana was drawing her luminescence around her when we received further word that action in the affair was unlikely to proceed that night as many a nefarious deed was likely to be undertaken.

With heavy hearts we homeward sped, me to mine and she to her aged parent’s abode, both vowing to see the endeavor through next morning. Before returning however, I once again attended the office of the constabulary. Having retold the tale, I was offered the same wry smile and a regretful “It’s the cuts, sir, you see. Blame the cuts.”

And this, dear reader, is where matters took a very curious turn. Addressing the problem squarely by the horns and having managed to get the Felonious One to agree to an encounter, a parley if you will, the next morning, I retired to my bed full of hope that the difficulties could be circumvented and the incident consigned to eternal register of history.

At midnight, however, word arrived from the constabulary that they were desirous of talking to me forthwith. I made immediate contact only to be told that further communication would happen the next morning at half past the hour of seven. I took once more to my bed to be woken on innumerable occasions by messages from the Felonious One inveighing and fulminating against Mrs A -, her aged parent, her long deceased parent and myself and mine. Nevertheless the agreement to meet stood.

The hour of seven came as did the hours of eight and nine and nary a word from the officers of the law. I attended the pre-arranged place of meeting with the Felonious One only to receive word that he would not come and were I to attend him at the property belonging to Mrs A – I should go in fear of my eyes, which he said he would decimate, cut and stab; of my health, for he had noxious gases which he would cause me to ingest; and ultimately of my life.

Returning once more to the offices of the law I was received with kindness and seriousness and my tale was told in full. Yet, dear reader, the strange part of the business is that of the four people who listened to my tale each advocated a different course of action to provide remedy. After some two hours in their presence, however, agreement was reached I was finally informed that the Felonious One would be apprehended on a charge of criminal damage, he having broken and changed the locks, and then the threats to life and limb would be further addressed subsequent to his apprehension. I was instructed not to attend further and return home and wait for word.

This I did, content in the knowledge that I had carried out both my civil and fraternal duties as expectation would demand. I waited for word.

When it came it was of the most peculiar sort. A constable attending the property could find no grounds on which to apprehend the Felonious One, despite the instruction of his seniors. He requested that I describe the damage that had been done. I could not furnish him with such detail as I myself had not attended the property. “Then, sir, I will not arrest him”. And that would have been the end except, not very long afterwards I received further communication from those upright, honest and brave members of the law enforcement equipage asking me what was happening. I could not tell them. “Well, sir, if you don’t know, I’m sure we do not.”

And that is how it was left with me shaking my head in wonderment. Mrs A – has returned and been accepted back into the house pro tem, the Felonious One having imbibed too copiously I believe, to resist her claims further. My life is still under threat – or at least that is my presumption.

The incidents to which my tale relate occurred on the eighth, ninth and tenth days of October in the year 2012. 


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More than a few miles of sea.

8/4/2012

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We have a house in France - well to be precise we rent a house in France in a small Norman town called Avranches - famous for housing the manuscripts from the nearby Mont St Michel and ... er ... housing the manuscripts from the nearby Mont St Michel.

We like to think that after 5 or 6 years we are gently assimilating ourselves into the locality and that we no longer stick out quite so clearly as the much disdained [though economically vital] 'touristes' who usually only spend an afternoon breaking their journeys to Brittany.

We like to think that we know a bit about our town and its surroundings, about its indigenous population and its industries and cultural pastimes. 

It's true that we know that at the bottom of our street lie the remains of the cathedral where Henry II did penance for the murder-by-proxy of Thomas a Beckett. It's true too that we know that most of Avranches was destroyed during WW2 by the advancing Allied forces and that what you see now is a clever but contemporary illusion of an old town. Nearly all the buildings are post-war. It is also true that Madame la Patronne of the best restaurant in town, The Littre, kissed us on her retirement from the hard labour that was running a restaurant day-in, day-out for a good many years, morning, noon and night. That must signify something although I suspect she was de-mob happy and slightly inebriated. It is true that we know our neighbour slightly and that the olive seller in the Saturday market [a very good market incidentally] recognises us now. But really who are we trying to kid?

It is far more than a few miles of sea which separates us. First there is language. We try very hard to speak French. I was brought up knowing that 'making the effort’ would pay dividends and that the French would be delighted to converse with you if you tried to speak to them using their language. I have found that despite A-levels in foreign languages that a] even after 5 years my French simply isn’t good enough and b] they prefer to practise their English on us. The consequence is that though I now have more access to France than I have ever had, my French is getting worse! I’ve also discovered that Norman French is quite hard to understand. So not much assimilation there.

Secondly, there is that peculiar feeling that there is still resentment borne of the suffering of two world wars. The population is predominantly agricultural and elderly, especially in the market. How can we possibly understand and be assimilated into a region of a country which saw itself decimated twice in 30 years by obscene trench-battles and by the indescribable carnage of pre-emptive bombing raids. The resentment is not spoken. It is probably not even conscious. But it’s in the eyes and hearts of the population and almost certainly predates the Great War by a number of centuries. We can but guess at what it really feels like to see the spawn of the liberator-aggressors wandering around the reconstructed streets of the once proud medieval town. Not much assimilation here either.

Lastly, and this is key, the whole approach to life is theirs and not ours. The relative importance of time, aesthetic, philosophy, wine and undeniably labyrinthine bureaucracy distinguishes the French from the Brits. We, inspired to some extent by the more thrusting culture of America, want to be seen to be vital, enthusiastic, skilful and without parallel. It is my suspicion that the French believe that they are already all of those things, it’s just that it doesn’t really matter to them whether anyone else realises it or not.

Thus in order to be properly assimilated you probably have to be properly French …
Picture

Avranches by night

Picture

Avranches by Day

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Piercings

7/9/2012

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A man older than myself, which lets face it is pretty old, is standing on a station platform. He has one piercing blue eye and one that is sightless. He is also shaven headed and his bald pate glints in the all-to-rare shaft of sunlight. He wears shorts and sandals with socks. He is bare chested and has a livid blue tattoo of a dragon on his expansive belly. 

Yet it is not his belly, chest, skull nor piercing singular eye that occupies the attention. His right ear has upward of twenty gold rings in it. They glint in the sun too and jostle for space on his misshapen appendage. 

I look again and on closer inspection I notice that he has studs in both nipples - a brace per side.  He  has a golden arrangement of studs which surround his cavernous belly button forming the belly-tattoo-dragon's baleful eye. The whole ensemble is impressive without being tasteful. It's certainly not attractive. 

My mind wanders. Does he have further piercings which are only not visible because of the few clothes he wears? Perhaps his masculinity is similarly adorned. Maybe there's a tattoo as well. 

Which reminds me of a joke I heard many years ago. A man goes to the bathroom in a New York bar. Whilst relieving himself he idly glances at the guy standing at the neighbouring urinal. He is intrigued and impressed to discover that his neighbour's manhood is tattooed with the word WILLY

"That's cool" opines our hero
"Ain't nothing" responds the man. "When I get excited it reads WILLYOUGETOVERHEREANDDOWHATISAY"

I look around the carriage and start counting piercings. I realise that I am in a very small minority. Ear rings, nose rings, lips, tongues and eyebrows are all adorned. There is a belly button sporting a ring with a sparkly stone. 

Not one iota, not one scruple of flesh has experienced the attention of a skin artist. Not a single organ nor appendage has been subject to the invasive presence of metallic adornment. Yet it is I who feel the odd one out. Weird eh?
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The Green Eyed Monster

6/16/2012

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I have a friend who has no ambition left. Consequently he is happy because he is never disappointed. Yet he is anything but cynical. In fact he is one of the most genuine and generous people I know. It surprised me when he said he didn't mind what people thought of him because this meant to me that he didn't feel he had anything left to prove. In anyone else this would have sounded complacent. But he didn't sound complacent, nor resigned, nor angry, nor pleased. He was simply offering a point of view without colour. 

And I thought what a wonderful attitude to possess. And then I wondered if he was lying to me to make himself better. And then I dismissed that thought as unworthy. And then the little green-eyed monster began to mock in earnest. 

"He is so very happy" said the monster, "but how are you at the moment?". 
"Well" said I, "I am relatively happy". 
"Do not dissemble!" he barked.
"I'm not. I'm happy"
"Really?"
"Yes"
"If you say so" said the god, green eyes dripping with cynicism.
"I am. Why shouldn't I be? Eh?" 
He smiled, no, he smirked, and said "Only you can know that."


That's when I began the familiar process of comparison. The monster soon would slope away to torment someone else [for which I would be grateful], leaving behind him a slimy trail of innuendo, but he was hard at work on me presently. The odious process kick started itself. Every bit of life and work was examined and found wanting. Although 100 people love me, they love someone else better. Although lots of people like my work, they like the work of other people more. Although I am clever, there are cleverer. Although I am paranoid, some are far more paranoid than I. Everything is fuel for the fire. 

When I tell friends and colleagues that this is what I do on a regular, and very self-indulgent, basis, they assume that I am looking for sympathy. They are not wrong. It's an odd kind of sympathy though. I want them to allay my jealousy by telling me how absolutely marvellous I am.

Jealousy is an unquenchable fire which feeds on highly toxic and volatile insecurity. But it also feeds on a realisation that this insecurity is borne of a knowledge that, deep down, there is truth in the suspicion that there is someone more lovable than I, better at my job than I am, cleverer than I and far more dramatically paranoid.

My friend doesn't worry about this stuff any more. He says this state of mind comes with the attainment of a bus pass. Only ten years to go then.
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Is it Safe to Come Out Yet?

6/4/2012

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Those who live by the sword are also supposed to die by it. A truism, truly. 

I remember as a child hoping against hope that I would be famous. At first I wanted to be the next David Broome, a show-jumper who rode the curiously named, but very effective chestnut horse Mr Softee. I could think of nothing I wanted more. Public acclaim for doing what I loved most in the world. I believed that with success would come recognition, acclamation even, devotion exceptionally, all of which would contribute to ultimate self-validation. Of course I didn't think of it in those terms then, I just wanted to be famous and for people to recognise me in the street and ask me for my autograph.

Bizarrely, for a sane individual, which I believe myself to be, although the ambition to be a show-jumper receded, the desire to be famous didn't. All through my youth and teenage years I aspired to it - firstly as a jockey, the equine theme continuing as John Francome replaced David Broome as my hero, then as a conductor with the glamorous Carlo Maria Guilini taking on the heavy mantle of my adulation. I never wanted to be a pop or rock singer nor a statesman. Frankly who wanted to look like Marc Bolan or Harold Wilson? I toyed with the idea of TV celebrity and found it not unattractive.

Too lazy to be a proper academic I failed to gain access to Oxbridge [to my parents' chagrin] and tumbled into drama as a relatively easy option. Despite the insecurity of transition from successful public school career through late teenage failure to salvation in the cod and herring rich atmosphere of Kingston upon Hull, complete with its independent telephone company and white phone boxes, the flame was still alight - just.

A course which kept insisting it was non-vocational, but whose alumni include so many who have gone into 'the industry' in one form or another simply fanned the flames. After graduation and consistent work in theatre and radio as an actor I achieved my lifetime's ambition and became famous as a regular character in The Bill. People did recognise me in the street and they did ask me for my autograph. I was even once on the front cover of the TV Times. 

And that was when it began to pall. How could I have wanted this? People criticized me and tried to knock me down. I remember a particularly cruel cartoon in the paper which gave me a double chin. I was affronted. Here I was giving pleasure [I thought] to millions and they were having a go!  Gradually the appeal of celebrity waned and died. The flame went out. Luckily. For after six years I was written out and celebrity was automatically withdrawn.

That was over thirty years ago. I've had modest success since but have been happy to languish in relative obscurity. There are enough people around ready to have a pop without sticking one's head above the parapet.

Until someone decided to make a TV programme about Arts funding and featured me quite a lot - there was even a picture of me as a policeman all those years ago. It was bizarre experience which culminated in a programme in which I felt misrepresented and, yes I'll use the word, betrayed by the programme makers. 

But then what did I expect? It is TV and those who live by the sword usually die by it as well.

Luckily it was screened over the Jubilee weekend and was scheduled against the final of The Voice so it is probably safe to come out already!
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Cake and Codeine

5/24/2012

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I like cake. No that's not strictly true. I love cake. I love cake more than anything that isn't animate. It would be invidious to compare cake with one's loved ones, pets or self, but I can categorically say, and without fear of contradiction, that cake is, definitively, the best thing ever.

I use cake in many different ways. Yes I admit to being a user rather than an eater of cake. I could almost be said to be an addict. Which now I mention it is slightly odd. Because lately there seems to be a direct correlation between the number of codeine-based pills I consume in a day and the level of my cake craving. The more pills, the more profound the craving. My children appear worried about the level of my consumption of codeine. Did they but know that my cake intake far outstrips my dependency on codeine I believe their concern would be justifiable. 

Perversely, this makes me feel a little bit better about the amount of cake that I scoff. It is not greed, self-indulgence or lack of self-discipline that forces me to ram handfuls of Battenburg or great slices of coffee and walnut sponge down my gullet. No indeed. It's a medical dependency about which I can do nothing. I should explain.

I get headaches. Bad ones. Often. Sometimes daily. In the good old days of not so long ago, one used to be able to buy pills over the counter which a] ameliorated the pain b] didn't send me scurrying for the cake tin. These pills have now been withdrawn because people like me tend to get addicted to them. Before they withdrew them they started writing things like NOT TO BE USED FOR MORE THAN THREE CONSECUTIVE DAYS on the packets. I had been using them for 40 years with no obvious side effects except for my foul moods, inability to hear, lack of general focus, lazy left eye and a memory with holes in it bigger than a colander. No other pills have ever worked because they don't have enough codeine in them. 

So I went to the doctor who prescribed me pills with double the amount of codeine in them. Apparently these are not addictive - at least it doesn't say so on any label and the doctor didn't tell me so. So I presume they're not. And they stop the headaches - although I can't do anything else much as I lose control of nearly every muscle in my body. My tongue develops a life and, more worryingly, a thickness all of its own. 

They do have a side effect however. I crave cake all the time. Which wouldn't be so bad if the consumption of the cake didn't precipitate the headaches themselves ....
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Trepidation bordering on Dread

5/14/2012

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It's a familiar feeling. Unwelcome but very familiar. I get it when I have to attend weddings, first night parties, press launches, networking events and, generally, everywhere I go when I am supposed to be outgoing and gregarious. The trepidation I experience in advance of these shindigs borders on the feeling of dread I used to feel when I was an actor about to go on stage. Curiously, I don't get it at funerals - perhaps I'm not expected to be jolly at these events. Sometimes I try and get told in no uncertain terms that my behaviour is inappropriate - which it is.

It is, of course, completely illogical. I have spent 54 years on this earth and should have learned by now that this is nothing unusual. Most people, I'm told, have to screw their courage to the sticking place before launching themselves into the social maelstrom that is celebration. But most people seem to enjoy them notwithstanding. I tend to stand tongue-tied, cross-legged, wishing I was almost anywhere but where I am. 

I have tried to work out why I feel this way. I have variously blamed my parents, my schooling, my formative experiences, my worsening hearing and my natural humility. None of these excuses really wash. The problem as I see it now, is my utter feebleness and fear of making as ass of myself. It's the same reason that I don't dance in public [or in private for that matter]. 

I tell myself, virtually daily, to pull myself together and construct a strategy for dealing with these type of things. But I don't, or can't, listen to my own advice. I am not dealing with them. In fact I'm getting worse. I have noticed too that at less formal events I lapse into silence, preferring to let the world, or at least the conversation, go around about me.

Tomorrow is the Theatrical Managers' Association Annual lunch. A shindig which sees the cream of Britain's theatre management get together and network. I am being brave and going to it. 

Suggestions for a coping strategy would be more than welcome or I shall end up becoming a hermit.

 
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Only in England

5/13/2012

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Today our village is 'at home'. The pubs [three of them still exist], the shops [butcher, baker, local produce emporium, convenience store, estate agent, etc], the two churches [Anglican and URC] the dairy [whose milk is no longer available to local people], the stables, village museum [oh yes we do have one - its prize exhibit is a mummified rat] and the school [primary only] have been buffed up and there is lots of frantic activity before 2pm when it all kicks off. Only the chemist and the Zoar Baptist chapel remain resolutely shut.

I've just heard the local Morrismen [yes there is a village troupe] preparing for the onslaught. The accordianista is practicing endlessly. There is the claquing of sticks and the jingling of bells. The whole is disturbing the peace and irritating all of us who are trying to work.

The police have already been around putting up no parking cones everywhere making it impossible for residents to park in their usual spots. The field behind the doctors' surgery is the car park. Luckily the recent deluge has abated, the ground is not too muddy and no tractors will be needed to extricate marooned vehicles. 

Oh and there is a little funfair on the village recreation ground where the exercising of horses and dogs is absolutely 'verboten'. There is a nostalgia for we established villagers about the fair. It used to be the favourite annual village event for ... well let's call him Arthur, though that wasn't his actual name. He was the village's simple soul. Arthur died recently having sent a lifetime rearranging dustbins, closing gates and wandering around the village bouncing a rubber ball. He was easily scared and desperate to please. Children were scared of his volatility and strangeness. The fair proprietors knew him well and, to their eternal credit, allowed him free access to all the stalls and rides. The village is poorer without him.

This afternoon will be spent by around 2,000 people wandering around remarking on the quaintness of this place and sticking their inquisitive noses into every nook and cranny which the purchase of the 'At Home' programme entitles them to.

There are two types of folk who live the village who react to 'At Home' in two very distinct ways. Those incomers who are proud of their efforts to improve the village [like stopping the church clock from chiming during the night] will open their gardens and walk around this afternoon as if they own the place speaking of 'our village' in loud proprietorial voices. Their children [all called Barnaby and Alice with a third called Torin if they've allowed themselves that degree of irresponsibility] will dutifully trail after them in the sunshine, cowed into compliance by bribes of 'ice creams if you're good'.

Then there are the rest who will sit inside watching Manchester City beating Queens Park Rangers on their wide screen, high definition TVs, or sit outdoors on their patios or terraces waiting for six o'clock and normality to return. Most of them have lived here all their lives and have seen the 'At Home' develop from a little local event into one which now pulls attendances from as far afield as London and Birmingham.

Tomorrow the village good causes will learn how much they are to benefit from the afternoon's takings.

Only in England.
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A Ride in the Sun

5/12/2012

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My horse, Mercury, is out on loan to a very nice lady. He is in the middle of the Fens and you can see for miles around. The trouble with Merc is that if he can see for miles he thinks you can go for miles and miles. I went to see and ride him today. A beautiful day, white clouds, breezy and warm. Merc decided it was the sort of day to get 'on his toes'. Nothing dangerous or frightening, but he did insist in jog-trotting for about an hour or so. I haven't ridden for a week or so and it is amazing how quickly the body loses fitness. By the time we had finished my legs ached, my back ached and my head, of course, ached too. When  I got off him he looked at me in that slightly condescending way that horse do look at humans when they know they haven't behaved exactly in the way that was required. It was as if he was saying 'Well you decided to come and ride! I was quite happy in the field but you did insist on cavorting across the countryside. So I cavorted'.

Last night I went to the press night of PANDORA'S BOX at the Arcola's tent. I've been much more comfortable watching theatre and I've seen better plays though there was something about the cast's enthusiasm which was transmitted to the audience and made the whole evening absolutely captivating. Some really vibrant performances too. Great to see
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Writing panto

4/29/2012

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It's a bizarre and slightly humbling experience writing pantomime. Each year I start with the best intentions. 'This year' I promise myself 'it will be fresh and inventive'. Then I sit down with the synopsis which I have created and begin to flesh it out with the same gags, the same routines, the same ... well everything. I drive myself potty trying to bring something new to the table - something fresh and inventive. yet I plough on stuffing the same things in until, ultimately disgorged of panto stuff I press the key for the final full stop, convinced that I have written the same script as last year, just with different character names.

It is then when something decidedly odd happens. Between the end of writing and the beginning of re-reading the script clearly changes itself. For when I open it a few days later and start reading I realise that there is something new about this script - the characters are different from last years and although they say some of the same things, the context has changed and the words take on a slightly different life. the characters themselves assume novel proportions and they are fresh. Some are even inventive!

This year's RAPUNZEL feels fresher than most on re-reading. I loathed it whilst I was writing it though.

Funny eh?
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    Director, Writer, bad Husband and Father. Reached that part of my span where midlife crisis is a thing of the past. Follow me on Twitter: @ColinBlumenau

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